Sex! Satan! Sweet Furniture!

I picked up a copy of the Mondo Macabro release Satan’s Blood a couple years ago for five bucks at a used shop. I watched about fifteen minutes of it that night before work and it remained on the shelf ever since. So I recently busted it out, in the mood for some satanic sleaze from the seventies, and truth be told, I was mostly disappointed. Mostly. If you’re not familiar, Satan’s Blood is a Spanish flick from 1978 directed by Carlos Puerto.

The film opens with some black-robed Satanists walking a young woman into a room where she is fondled, slurped on and groped by some old dude with a beard who finally stabs her as we go into our opening credits. One of the best things about Satan’s Blood is the opening theme. It’s a real simple yet menacing little tune. Next we meet a young couple, Andy and Anna, and their German Sheppard Blackie, who decide to go out for an afternoon stroll and then a car ride through the city. It’s all pretty boring until they come to a stop light and realize they are being stared at by another couple in the car next to them. At the next light they’re waved over by the couple who mysteriously know Andy’s name. Hmmmmm…. suspicious.

After introducing themselves as Bruno and Mary and debating back and forth whether they actually know each other from school or not, they decide to follow Bruno and Mary to their house out in the middle of nowhere to have a drink and celebrate Anna being pregnant. Okay, rule one – when someone says they know you and you don’t remember them, don’t go to their fucking house for wine and cheese. Simple as that. And if you do, and there’s a creepy furry dude at the gate when you get there – turn the fuck around!  Odds are they’re into the Satan.

Once inside, Bruno lights up the fireplace, Anna finds a book on black magic, and Mary locks the dog up in a closet… oh and eats what appears to be bloody meat out of a dog dish. Nothing strange here. Bruno even finds the school picture with the two of them in it. Andy just isn’t convinced though. Rule two – if the guy that swears he knows you, shows you a picture of you that isn’t you FUCKING RUN. Run out the goddamn door and don’t look back! So as the night goes on we learn that Mary can read minds, and that their host have the coolest piece of furniture in all of Spain – a table with a Ouija board for a top.

So they light up some cigarillos and get down with the summoning of spirits. After the spirit accuses Anna with continuing her past affair with Andy’s brother, the fireplace roars, and Anna passes out they decide to have a Satanic slumber party. They wanted to leave, but of course there’s a storm coming in and the roads won’t be driveable. Of course. So before they hit the sack, there’s some bathtub loving for Andy and Anna, some more questioning if Bruno really did know Andy from school, blah blah blah. Anna decides to take a walk downstairs to check on the dog when she’s attacked by what would appear is a burglar. After almost being raped, she runs to get Andy and leave. But instead of just leaving like any sane person would do, they seek out their hosts to let them know they were going, “hey thanks for the good time, I enjoyed the Ouija and assault”….

This is where they find their hosts, kneeling naked on a pentagram drawn on the floor as Bruno is chanting some retarded Satan shit and Mary is writhing in place moaning. Thats when…

the Satan orgy begins! The fire in the fireplace roars, a picture of Jesus bursts into flames (why do Satanists have a framed picture of Jesus????)  and we witness the very oily, very hairy (it was ’78…)  group sex for the dark lord. Ick.

The film starts to go downhill from here. After the group sex, there’s some pairing off, more sex, the furry guy from the gate killing the home intruder guy, and the couple being way to nonchalant  about waking up to find their car missing. Of course when the car is returned by their hosts (they just needed to pick up a few things!) it won’t start. No shit.

The whole last section of the film is a muddled mess of Bruno and Mary turning on each other, Andy and Anna going back and forth between acting like they need to get the hell out of there and casually hanging around as if all this shit is normal. Throw a doctor into the mix to rile up Andy and this film has raveled out of control. What starts out as a slow-moving, but almost promising slice of Satanic sleaze ends up just boring and messy. The ending, which I won’t spoil here, is pretty typical and unsatisfying to say the least. If the pace of the film was picked up a bit I could completely forgive the horrid parts of the script (about two-thirds) but as it stands Satan’s Blood is Netflix worthy. The opening score, the Ouija table-top and a few choice parts I didn’t want to spoil for anyone who will see this make it worth the five bucks I spent on it, but definitely no more than that!

2 comments on “Sex! Satan! Sweet Furniture!

  1. I love a good Satan worship flick! The pictures made me want to run out and find a copy of this film right f**king now, but boring and an unsatisfying ending? That’s a damn shame! Well, maybe I’ll see it eventually, but based on your review I’ll pass on adding this to my insanely huge “to see” list.

    • I’m with you on loving a good Satan flick. Satan’s Blood had the concept down and some cool bits here and there, but the execution was definitely lacking in my opinion. I’m pretty sure you can get it on Netflix if you want to check it out though. It’s worth a free watch for the Ouija table alone, I gotta find one of those!

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