Spiders – Not Enough Arachnid Action

A meteor shower blasts through a Russian space satellite inhabited by (you guessed it) spiders, leaving the remnants to fall on New York City. After a New York Transit employee is killed checking on the subway line the satellite hit, doctors discover eggs in the mans stomach and the entire neighborhood is evacuated and quarantined. separated couple Jason and Rachel are swept up into the middle of the whole mess as they try to rescue their daughter from their guarded, quarantined apartment.

This is not what I want from a monster spider movie. You know what I do want from a monster spider movie? Monster fucking spiders! Big as Godzilla, havoc inducing, blood thirsty spiders. I don’t want the divorcing couple, or their children in peril. Neither do I want the army and their damn quarantines. I’m sick to death of the quarantines! I don’t care if it’s a zombie plague, a crazy plague, a rage plague or a gang of mutant Russian space spiders – stop with the quarantines! I understand fully that these plot devices are there to set a dramatic and/or suspenseful tone and move the story along and blah blah, make with the fucking spiders already! I truly believe that Spiders should have been set up like the giant bug movie version of The Raid. Give us ten minutes of necessary introductory pleasantries, and eighty minutes of pure monster spider carnage, eight feet on the accelerator at all times. Alas, what we get is an hour of the aforementioned snoozy time family dramatics and the army being the army before we get any real arachnid mayhem. By this point it was a little late in the day for me to get into it. This is disheartening, although unsurprising, seeing as this is directed by Tibor Takacs, director of eighties kiddie monster classic The Gate. The last thirty minutes does have some good spider action, most of which involves the army blasting the shit out of the spiders that are trying to eat them, and the spiders do look surprisingly good. Unfortunately we only get a short amount of time with the queen spider before the climax of the film, and the worst last-minute of a movie I’ve seen in a while. If pure monster spider goodness is what you’re after, keep looking, Spiders falls short.

Spiders rates 1 Screaming Jamie

jamie screaming